Ever felt like you give and give with all that you have, and you get nothing in return? I'm sure we all do at one time or another. Being a mother of 2 pre-K children, it seems to be my everyday plight. I give everything that I have, tapping into hidden energy so I can attempt to maintain my patience and love, just to be asked to give even more, which by then I'm all tapped out, and my patience has gone from already not so big, to tapping into the red.
I've had some interesting things happen lately which has inspired me to write tonight. I haven't posted anything for a while, mostly because I haven't really been inspired.
What I have seen is a development of awareness on my part, especially the lack of balance in my entire household. The awareness of pure exhaustion every morning. An awareness that I am finding myself begging my children to listen to me, literally bringing me to tears at least once a week. An awareness that my husband is so tired that when he is home, I'm not really allowed to be in our room because the only thing he wants to do is sleep, but since I find our room to be the most peaceful place in the house, the only thing I want to do is to meditate or read before going to bed. Of course, that hinders his precious sleep schedule (which being a medic, it can be precious), I step aside and let him have his way. The audible sighing and not so subtle "oh, you're going to sit and read?", is also a hint that I need to step out, though inside all I want to do is scream. Balance is key to everything, especially since we are all energy. Balance has lost its key somewhere in the bushes outside.
What lessons am I supposed to be learning from these situations? I know that through tough times come huge lessons, but it's being able to hear and receive them that can become difficult.
So far, I've learned that I have a long way to go when it comes to spreading unconditional love. I'm a pretty passionate person, and my emotions can get the best of me. Interestingly enough, I carry many many traits of Sagittarius, though I'm actually a Capricorn. What the heck does that have to do with anything? A Sagittarius can be really bossy, almost hurried and impatient, and are fiery. But sometimes, they bight their tongues, muting themselves. I do both, and am unfortunately very good at both. Usually I go the muting route, not wanting to set anybody a blaze, but what good is it doing me by holding in? It doesn't really help at all, it just annoys me even more that I didn't say anything. And then, the question becomes: is it worth saying? is it true? is it kind? I find it to be not a very win-winnable situation, at least when it comes to confronting somebody. You hold it in, your body reacts negatively by tightening, stressing, worrying, giving off headaches, sleepless nights, etc. You express yourself, and you could have WWIII on your hands. So, what's the lesson with this?
If it's not something that is going to be kind, don't say it, or take some time to collect yourself, and then go back and say it in a way that is kind and authentic. I know people who give themselves T.O's (time outs), and actually go for a run around the block, or they draw, or write. It gives them a chance to cool down so they don't say anything stupid. When I write, I almost instantly cool down, regroup, and by the time I'm finished, the issue isn't one anymore, but it becomes the lesson.
What comes out of passionate expression, especially when you're going through that of feeling being wronged, frustrated, etc, is the EGO. The Ego is a very powerful thing that we all have. As I've been slowly digging deeper into the coaching world, I'm finding that the Ego likes to get the first words. That's great, except for that may not actually be what you truly wanted to say, from the heart. I did not catch myself today at all, and became angry. When I settled down, I realized that my anger was totally directed to the wrong people, and that I hadn't taken responsibility by stepping away and regrouping, but instead I let my Ego take over. Ego's get hurt very quickly. They become embarrassed, frustrated, pissed off, want to be the best at everything. When it's disrespected, look out. I'm making it sound like they are bad, and they aren't. An Ego is there to protect, thinking that what it knows is best. Alas, it's not always the case.
So how the heck do you manage an Ego? A lot of people think that self-confidence and Ego's coincide. Yes, and no. Ego's do become very proud, which can come from self-confidence. However, a self-confident person doesn't necessarily mean that they're walking around with their chests puffed out, thinking that they're better than everybody else. Self-confidence, at least in my mind, means that they actually know what the heck they're talking about, that they feel calm and empowered, that they know there are times of failure but they still pick themselves up and keep going. Self-confidence can exude love, love for themselves, love for others. Somebody who is arrogant and bitchy isn't a self-confident person. On the contrary, it's usually somebody who's self-esteem is in the toilet, and their Ego is fighting every step of the way to keep them up.
The past few months have been tough because I let my Ego get the best of me. I haven't given myself permission to express myself fully to those who need to hear it. I haven't taken care of my Inner Being, not meditating, not doing yoga, just giving my energy away like it's a free for all Vegas buffet. How am I supposed to be a wonderful mommy if I have absolutely no balance in my life? What is the key to getting it back?
As I ponder those questions, a little voice says: "stop trying to control everything, and accept that you are in charge of setting boundaries for your children, but you aren't the "charge" of your children". Kids run on a very different energy wave length than we do, but yet we are all connected. I am super sensitive to energy, so it's difficult for me to take it all in all the time. Maybe I don't have to. Maybe by being fully present and in the moment with them, I'll actually have an easier time riding their energy wave vs. trying to control them and forcing then to ride mine. By adjusting your energy to others, meeting them in the middle so to speak, a balance will begin to develop. When my husband is tired but I'm ready to meditate, we're on two different waves. His is slowing down rapidly, and mine is actually very focused on a specific thing. By accepting that he will not be able to amp up, I can accept that I'm not ready to amp down yet, and go with my flow until I meet his energy wave later on.
I can go on and on, but my energy wave is finally slowing. I'll leave with this final thought: Balance is super important in life. Period. When you are feeling off balance, you'll know it. Don't wait as long as I have to begin to re-balance, but acknowledge it, find what works for you to begin the process of equalizing, and then pick up the key in the bushes.
Yours in harmony!
~A
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