I've been waking up lately with one question on my mind: "How can I be a personal development coach when I don't have my health in check? How can I become an expert on inspiration and develop my own brand if I can't find the inspiration to work out again?
After having our two kids within 19 months, I fell into the trap of parenting overwhelm, as well as being the caregiver to my mom. I gave my energy away to everybody else, not giving myself even a chance to focus on me. So, I began to focus on me, working on my Inner Being. Everything is incredibly awesome with that, still learning, and falling at times, but always learning either way.
As the question kept arising in my thoughts, dreams, meditations, I finally asked myself: "Why am I avoiding this journey? What am I afraid of by getting on the health bandwagon? What am I afraid of if I don't? What will I lose by becoming healthy? What will I lose if I don't!" These are questions that I ask my clients, but yet I hadn't asked myself.
So there's a bit of a back story as to why my blocks have been so big, or at least why I made them to be so big. I grew up with my mother, and that's it, so she never had anybody else to balance her opinions out. She was totally against lifting weights, and kept enforcing that on a weekly basis, especially when I entered high school. This doesn't mean that I wasn't active. On the contrary, I studied ballet for 12 years, almost going professional with it. I began tennis at age five, and still love to play today. I'm also a life long swimmer, though since I've gained all this weight it has been difficult for me to get near a pool. I played volleyball, attempted basketball, with a slight addiction to this day of just shooting hoops. Love to play football and ultimate Frisbee, and of course we cannot forget the obligatory soccer years. I LOVE sports, always have, always will.
I was always this odd ball, being really into music AND sports. Then why, oh why, did I all of a sudden lose interest in working out? What was the major block(s) that arose during my twenty's that I am just now finally able to face?
One of the blocks developed when my mother called me fat, the "I think you're gaining some weight" talk. That was probably around 1994 'ish. I weighed maybe 130 pounds when that conversation was had, which was the most I had ever weighed, usually averaging around 120. Of course, I was pissed that she dared to call me that. The interesting thing is, the weight began to show up after our chat. Slowly, but steadily growing, these conversations happening on a more frequent basis until they were no longer conversations but yelling matches. My self-esteem was dropping faster than a penny being dropped off the Empire State Building. I was in college at the time, and discovering that my love for music was becoming more and more shrouded by my love for finally being free, or at least attempting to discover my freedom away from home.
Another block developed in direct correlation to my self-esteem. The bigger I became, the more paranoid I became. What were people thinking about me? Are they laughing as I attempted to go for a jog? The baggy clothes began to fill my closet. "If I wear baggy clothes, then my folds and flab won't show". We all know how this works.
Then the big kicker, I began to believe what I was telling myself, as well as what others were telling me: "people are talking about me so don't go outside, don't go to the gym, lifting weights is bad, and of course, you're fat". Well, by then I was. I had turned something that wasn't true into something that was. I had allowed myself to "live" into the words of others, live into what my Ego was telling me.
I dropped weight once, for my wedding, and was able to keep it off for a year. My goal was the wedding, and I achieved that. I maintained for a while, but then I hadn't come up with a new goal, so it crept back on. Then I became pregnant. That was the best diet for me. I dropped A LOT of weight when I was pregnant, actually going down to less than what my goal was for the wedding. I wasn't in control, my babies were during each pregnancy. It dawned on me that during that time, I was finally being dictated by a little being what to eat, how much water to drink, essentially being forced into being as healthy as I could be.
Babies came, life become absolutely crazy and stressful, and the weight hung on. I ate, and until very recently, would do the "eating because I don't know how else to express that I'm pissed/sad/lonely/exhausted/enter your own "munching emotion" here.
"Munching emotion"- It's my little term for munching on random stuff that you can find in the house because you are going through an emotion, but yet you don't have the outlet to express it, so you munch and munch. It's easy, it satisfies the "hunger", which is really your emotional pain or annoyance that needs an outlet, and it sometimes tastes good. Sometimes?? Yes, I mean sometimes. There would be evenings that I would have a plan about what I was going to snack on when the kids went to bed, and there would be evenings that I didn't know what I wanted, but I had to have something, even if it wasn't the most yummy thing.
What brought me to this present moment? For the past year, I knew that my body was changing, and that I was feeling the culmination of all the stress, overeating, exhaustion, and I needed to do something. After many years of not going to a doctor unless I had to react to a symptom, I decided this past fall to look up doctors at my husbands doctor's office. I knew that if I didn't get my butt in gear, the next time I was "reacting" to something could be MUCH more serious.
I stumbled upon a Polynesian doctor!! This was the sign that I was looking for, she was the person I was meant to see. I called and made an appointment. When I met with her, we connected. She didn't lecture me about needing to lose weight, but gently guided me through different tips that had worked for her. I took a cholesterol test. It came back high. I knew it would, but when I saw it I was still "shocked" so to speak. Really, I was disappointed in myself, but I knew that I had gone there for the very reason of getting the numbers and knowing where I was at the starting line.
A fun little factoid, did you know that "95% of what will kill us is completely within our control. Do we get enough sleep, enough exercise, what foods do we eat, do we surround ourselves by positive people, etc?" - Baeth Davis
Anyways, did this shock me into immediate action? No, it didn't. I had suddenly become inspired on the coaching end of my life, getting clear downloads of what I wanted to do develop, explore and learn, and it had nothing to do with my health. Then, February came around. My coaching practice inspirations had slowed as quickly as they had shown up.
That is when I finally stopped covering this journey up with other things, other excuses, and allowed that voice inside that had been waiting for so very very long to come out and say "Ok, you have great ideas for your biz, but now it's time to take care of your body temple or you won't be here long enough to see your business flourish. You want to inspire people, and so it's time to "live into it". You believe in others, and you believe in almost everything that you do, except this one major piece."
So here I am, letting those of you who know me, and those who are complete strangers, in on the part of my journey that I had been avoiding for so long, that of my health. I'm seeing first hand how my actions from my past when it came to food has now caught up with me and trying to take me down. I'm also seeing first hand how I have total control to turn things around, because I will be here for a long time. I will inspire many people so that they can learn,grow and be the best that they can be. I will be here for my kids and my husband. I have the power to change because I'm the one making the choices. This road will be difficult at times, but that's where the lessons are, and I'm not turning around.
Yours in Harmony and Health! :)
~A
P.S. I added a little ticker gadget at the bottom of my blog for added accountability. Yep, my weight is on there. Yes, I'm laying it out there, but after hiding for so long, it's freeing.
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