I have never considered myself a leader, though others have told me that I am. Taking on the responsibility of the word "leader" was a super scary thing for me. I mess up, everybody sees it, and the big F word... "failure", not the other one, tee hee... flashes like a giant billboard.
I had a meeting on Friday. Nothing huge, just discussing my mom's care, how her health is, what we can do to make things even better... you know, the usual. :) The thing with this type of meeting, they were not pleasant for me in the past! Really, when you are talking about something as important as somebody's health, that's not pleasant-period.
A typical reaction to these types of situations: I wake up with a migraine the size of Montana the day of, I am sick to my stomach days before, I have gotten to the point where my shoulders were so tight that I couldn't sing.
On Wednesday, some guidance popped up in my inbox, as well as an opportunity to Lovestream Agape that evening. Interestingly enough, though different sources throughout the day, the message was the same: "for the love of Pete, stop worrying about what the "possible" outcomes "could" be, and just surrender to the fact that it's not in your control".
That's a tough one. I have been a worrier, stewing over different scenarios, attempting to find as many solutions as I can way before the actual "day" arrives, for YEARS!!! Now you're telling me, stop?! Well, I went to bed Wed. night with the conscious knowledge that I had to stop. And I did. I said "fine, this isn't for me to worry about, but for me to just arrive and be." Mind you, I'm arriving prepared, but not in a defensive way like I was in the past. I arrived with love and gratefulness for each team member, knowing that the questions that were going to be brought up were for the good of my mom, as well as our communication and effectiveness. I took myself totally out of the equation.
No stomach aches. No headaches. Friday morning, I woke up...happy. I woke up knowing that it wasn't in my "control", and the sense of relief and calm was almost overwhelming. I walked into the coffee shop with my head up, chattin' it up with the coffee dude, sorry, barista, welcoming my "team" as they came in one by one. We talked for over an hour, coming up with fantastic ideas. It seemed like we had only been there for 20 minutes.
I left the coffee shop knowing that Friday February 18th, 2011, would mark the day of another shift! A HUGE shift for me. Living into my "leader" boots, but more importantly, realizing that it's still me. I didn't "lead" the conversation, but I felt like a leader, from my head to my toes. For some reason, in the back of my mind, I always thought that if I had to lead, I had to totally change. NO! Yes, I am changing, though I prefer to look at it as adding on, brushing up, recycling what didn't work for me in the past, polishing what did.
These boots feel good, they are beautiful, they are feminine (unlike my "poo kickers" from the past), they are one of many pairs I look forward to owning. They are me, and as my finger print reading from a few months ago said, they have always been me, I just need to learn my lessons so I can be ready to receive them with gratefulness.
This quote was presented to me the same day as I started to prepare for my meeting.
§ "It takes courage to push yourself to places that you have never been before, to test your limits, to break through barriers. And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight inside the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." -Anais Nin
It was too painful for me to stay the same. The blossom was ready to bloom. How painful is it for you?
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